I’ve seen a
troop unit break camp,
Launch an
attack, pass in review,
And retreat
when it had to.
I’ve seen
cavalry horses race through the Aretine
Greenbelt,
raiding parties, opening ceremonies,
And
hand-to-hand combat
Begun with
bugles, bells, drums, or from the castle
Smoke by day
and fire by night,
And with both
simple and imported whistles;
But honestly,
never ever have I seen
Men or armor
move, or ships launch,
In response to
such an outrageous call to arms.
We were going
along with the ten devils—
What
barbarians!—but, as they say,
In church you
meet saints; in dive bars, belchers. 15
I
was intent on the pitch,
Trying
to sort out the details of this particular pocket
And
the people burning in it.
The
way dolphins arch their backs
When
a storm approaches as a signal to sailors
To
batten down the hatches,
Occasionally
to ease the pain
One
of the sinners would arch his or her spine—then
Quick-like-cat
hide it again.
Or
the way frogs will sometimes sit at the edge of a ditch
With
the bulk of their bodies and feet in the water
And
only a nose poking out,
So
the sinners did that, on both sides.
The
minute Barbie appeared,
They
immediately bobbed back down beneath the tar. 30
I
saw one (I still shudder)
Who
hesitated an extra second (it happens:
One
frog leaps, the other waits)
And
Irma the Beast, who was closest, speared him
With
a fork in his pitch-dripping locks
And
plucked him out; he looked like an otter.
I
knew all their names by now,
Having
heard them once when they were selected
And
again on the ridge when they called to each other.
“Work
those talons, Crazy Rummy,”
The
whole disgusting group was cheering.
“Rip
every last ounce of flesh off his back!”
“Teacher,”
I said, “if there’s any way,
Could
you find out the name of this poor guy
Who’s
fallen into enemy hands?” 45
My
teacher walked over and stood next to him
And
asked him where he’d come from.
“I
was born in the kingdom of Navarre.
My
father was a slacker
Who
wasted away the little he had,
So
my mother got me a position in the house of a lord.
I
parlayed that into a position at court with the very kind
King
Thibault, where I began to take bribes
And
cook the books—for which I’m boiling now.”
Now
Roadhog, tusks protruding
On
either side of his mouth, let him know how it feels
When
a single tusk rips through a torso.
The
mouse was in the clutches of the evil cats!
Barbie,
however, locked him between his outstretched arms
And
said, “Back off, I’ve got him.” 60
He
then turned and looked at my teacher.
“So
ask,” he said, “if you wanna know more
Before
they make mincemeat out of him.”
My
teacher said, “Sorry, but do you know
Any
Italians in there among the others?”
“I
just left one,” he said,
“From
Sardinia. I wish I were still with him
Beneath
the pitch where I wouldn’t have to fear
The
fork and the claw.”
Then
Qaddafi said, “This has gone on way too long.”
And
with that, he dug his fork into the guy’s arm
And
gouged out a tendon.
Dragan
Nikolic made a move for his legs,
At
which Captain Barbie quickly turned his head
From
one to the other, glowering at both. 75
Once
they’d settled back down,
My
teacher quickly asked the sinner,
Who
was sadly inspecting his arm,
“Who
was it you said you were with
When
you made the mistake of surfacing?”
“Fra
Gomita,” he said,
“Of
Gallura, a fat piggy bank full of fraud
Who
handled his master’s enemies so shrewdly,
They
complimented him on it.
As
he tells it, he wasn’t just a petty loan shark
But
a mafia boss. For a fee, he’d sell anyone
A
get-out-of-jail-free card.
Don
Michel Zanche of Logodoro
Is
his pal down here; they never tire
Of
speaking Sardinian and trading stories— 90
Uh-oh!
That one’s showing his teeth!
I’d
love to keep chatting but I’m afraid
He’s
getting ready to carve his initials in my neck.”
Captain
Barbie shot a look at Fubar,
Who
was making bug eyes, as if about to pounce,
And
said, “Don’t even think about it, dung-bird.”
“I
could call up some Tuscans or Lombards,”
Said
the sinner, who was terrified out of his wits,
“If
you’d like to see or talk to any.
You’d
have to make the Psycho-Clawz get back a bit
So
the sinners won’t think there’ll be a price to pay.
That
way, instead of only me sitting here
In
front of you, you’d soon have seven—
They’d
pop up as soon as I gave the whistle we use
To
say the coast is clear.” 105
Mad
Dog lifted his head
And
shook it. He said, “He’s a dirty trickster.
He’s
just trying to buy time to go back in.”
And
the sinner, who had artifice to spare,
Replied,
“I guess I am a dirty trickster,
Since
I’m causing more misery for my friends.”
Killer
Clown had clearly had enough;
He
took the side of the soul but said,
“If
you dive back in, I won’t run after you—I’ll fly
And
I’ll grab your ass out the pitch.
Now
let’s get off this ridge and hide behind the bank.
We’ll
see if you alone can outsmart all of us.”
Now,
Reader, here was a whole new game!
They
all scrambled to conceal themselves behind the ridge;
First
in line was the plan’s most vocal critic. 120
The
Navarrese chose his moment well: He stood,
Both
feet planted for all of a half-second, then leapt—
Wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am.
At
this, they were all sick with self-reproach,
But
most of all Killer Clown, whose fault it was.
He
lit out, yelling, “I’ve got you!”
It
did him little good; his wings couldn’t
Outperform
terror. As the soul plunged under,
The
devil rose, head up, heart high.
The
scene was like that of a duck avoiding the talons
Of
a falcon by diving down, leaving the raptor midair
On
his way up, fuming and feathers ruffled.
Ilse,
furious at the con,
Flew
behind him, glad he’d gotten away
So
she could go toe-to-toe with him. 135
As
soon as the cheater was no longer seen,
She
turned her talons on her fellow devil
And
grappled with him above the ditch.
Killer
Clown, however, had the force of a full-grown falcon
And
more than matched her, talon for talon,
Until
together they plunged into the boiling pitch.
Less
than a second in the hot mess and they parted,
But
now their wings were gummed with tar
So
there was no way to rise.
Barbie,
every bit as furious as the others,
Had
four fly toward the opposite bank,
Each
with a fork in hand.
In
no time they descended—half on one side,
Half
on the other—forks extended
Toward
the trapped pair who were already crisp 150
As
burnt toast. That’s the mess we left them in.
Notes to Canto XXII
19–21.
The way dolphins arch their backs/When a
storm approaches as a signal to sailors/To batten down the hatches: A
medieval belief. From Jocopo Passavanti (1302–1357), Specchio di vers penitenza (The
Mirror of True Penitence), a collection of sermons preached in 1354: “When
the dolphins come swimming on the surface of the sea, drawing near to ships, it
means there will soon be a storm.” Quoted in Singleton, Inferno, 2:380.
48.
I was born in the kingdom of Navarre:
Early commentators identify the speaker only as Ciampolo (or Giampolo, a variant
of Gian Paolo) and offer no additional information. The kingdom of Navarre was
an area between Spain and France.
53.
King Thibault: Theobald II, born in
1238, was king of Navarre from 1253 until his death in 1270. He was popular
with the middle class because although he levied high taxes, he also
respectfully granted them rights and political power.
81–82.
Fra Gomita . . . Of Gallura, a fat piggy
bank full of fraud: Gomita was a friar from an unknown order who served
Nino de’ Visconti of Pisa (d. 1298), lord justiciary of the judicature of
Gallura in Sardina. Visconti had ignored rumors of Gomita’s corruption for
years until he was presented with evidence that Gomita had accepted bribes to
free prisoners who were Visconti’s sworn enemies. He then ordered Gomita to be
hanged.
87. A get-out-of-jail-free card: What was
originally an element of a popular board game has become a commonly used
metaphor for something that will allow a person to escape the consequences of a difficult situation. Charles Darrow originally sold the rights to the board game to Parker Brothers in 1935; today the rights are owned by Hasbro, Inc. The game cannot be referred to in print without permission from Hasbro. In the 2006 United States Supreme Court case Hudson
v. Michigan (No. 04–1360), regarding “whether the violation of the
‘knock-and-announce’ rule requires suppression of all evidence found in the
search,” Judge Antonin Scalia, writing for the majority, wrote that suppression
of such evidence would amount “in many cases to a get-out-of-jail-free card.”
88.
Don Michel Zanche of Logodoro:
Commentators differ in their accounts of this figure. Singleton (2:385) states:
“It is probable that he was much involved in intrigues aimed at gaining
political power and that the date of his murder by Branca d’Oria was 1275.”
Branca d’Oria was Zanche’s son-in-law; the reader will see him in the ninth
circle, where those who murder their relatives are punished (Canto XXXIII,
137–146).
